November 25th, 2015

This time of year, for the last 5 years, I live in a headspace that is raw, with my feelings too close to the surface. Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays because I love cooking, entertaining, and spending time with those that I love. 5 years ago though a meeting with an oncologist tainted this time of year for me. She ended all hope for things to be different, all hope for time to change, all hope that there was hope. She was kind and I will never forget that. She was honest and too the point, and I will always appreciate that, even with what it started.

November 25th, 2015 I started grieving my father, not his life that had weeks left, but all of what would never be. We had an interesting, sometimes non-existent, sometimes very close relationship. I loved him, I hated parts of him, I yearned for a relationship that he could never fulfill. He was a good human being with a genuinely good heart, but he was broken, an alcoholic, a lost soul. He never knew how to be a dad, a friend sure, an enabler definitely. He was funny, immature, sometimes sullen, unmotivated but creative, caring but selfish, smart and yet dumb. Was he the best, no, but he wasn’t the worst. I know he loved me and my kids, the best that he could. There should have been more, there should have been time to change things, to give us time, to give him time. To give me time to change enough that I wouldn’t have to choke on the guilt that welled inside of me for our distant relationship the months before said oncologist meeting. I live with that guilt still, and I am sure in some capacity, I will carry it with me until the end.

So this time of year, that guilt and sadness becomes too heavy and clouds my days. His death date is different because although I hated to let him go, I knew HE was free. Free from a lifetime of feeling inadequate, free from feeling like the outsider, free from carrying childhood abuse on his own, free from the ravages of cancer. I am thankful he is my dad, I am grateful for the things that he taught me, I am sad that there wasn’t more time and I regret that things couldn’t have been different. I will carry the weight though, the guilt, what if’s, should haves, they are my scars and reminders.

November 25th, 2015 I will never forget you.

You Know Nothing

Although I am not Jon Snow, I know nothing. Sure, there are plenty of things that I do know but there is so much more that I do not. I ponder this a lot, all the things I do not know, and it drives me royally crazy. I think about how I will never understand why other people do the things they do, or why I still haven’t figured out how to be a financial success, or how I do not know how to be super mom or why I haven’t figured out the secret to the universe.

I wonder why holding on to a childlike spark and imagination is so hard, why people just give up on each other, why our world seems caught up in a corporate rat race. I think about how much I would like to move somewhere new and fresh and then immediately get scared about change.  I think about inventing something, what I do not know.  I think about owning my own business and being my own boss but again, I do not know what that would be.  I think about how sad I feel that my family is broken and how much I wish it weren’t, but I do not know how to fix it.

I think about whether I am a good enough mother, if my habits are too much, if I am doing the right thing.  I think and think and think and then doubt and doubt and doubt. I dig myself into a little hole and I sit there, sometimes for a little while, sometimes for days.

Today is one of those days, that I am pulling myself out of my little hole because I have overstayed my welcome there.  And now I am thinking, what do I know?

I know I am the kind of mom I am supposed to be.  I know I can and will strive to be a better mom, but I am not failing. I know that I must accept that not everyone needs to be understood and some people do not want to be.  I know that I will find my financial success and that it will be in something that fulfills me.

I know I am not going to learn the secret of the universe by sitting around wondering what it is, I just have to find it.  I am starting to think that there really is no secret, that maybe the secret is just to do what makes you happy and treat others well and things will come together. So for me, that means getting back into helping others and using my charisma to do good and be a light.  If Rocky Horror Picture Show taught me anything, it was “Don’t Dream It, Be It.”

April 28, 2019

Looking through my phone, I found this note I wrote myself and it held a lot of power for me today. I needed it, to affirm me, to remind me, to keep me focused. It is true that things happen when you need them to.

I am so much.

I am a multi-faceted complex creature.

I am all heart, although I’m intelligent enough to know it’s my down fall.

I am sensitive.

I love deeply, I care deeply, I am guarded deeply.

I care too much about relationships, that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to change.

I am so many things.

I’m a mother, wife, friend, athlete, artist, poet, philosopher, astrologist, purest, rule-breaker, fighter, loyalist.

I’m worth trying.

I’m worth really knowing.

I matter.

I’m proud of all success, others and mine.

I love the underdog, who doesn’t?

I’m messed up but I know where I stand.

I care.

I hurt. 

I’m not my parents.

I deserve the same chance as anyone. 

Some people are not deserving of my time.

Some people will not even try to know me, before they cast me aside. 

They will not know this big heart, intelligent free thinker, open door, forgiver, meticulous worrier, self saboteur, steadfast warrior.

They will only ever see nothing, because they choose it. 

Tin Foil Hat

Mid November of 2019, so just a few months ago, my husband left for an exciting hunting trip. While he was away, I got very sick. The kind of sick where you can hardly move, your fever is over 104, your sweating through multiple outfits and sheets, and you legit think you will die. At one point I instructed the kids to call 911 if I were to pass out, because I really thought it was coming.  Over the course of a week, the sickness moved into my chest and it became hard to breath. Lucky for me, I had some antibiotics at home and started taking them just in case.  At the end of my sickness the kids started feeling crappy, so I had them both checked out and found out Mason is a strep carrier monkey. I was also told that I had likely had strep.  I have never had strep, so I thought it was plausible.

Where am I going with this?  Down a strange rabbit hole, that is where! China had it’s first cases of covid-19 in December, right?  Or was it before then, and no one knew? Their testing methods have been confirmed to be faulty and we know that in general, their government hides information from the world and their own people. I can not help but wonder if the virus was around much earlier than December, and not just in China.  We can easily see how fast it has “spread” but this is because testing has become available.

Now I am not saying that I think that I had covid-19 but I am saying that I could have, lots of us could have and because our healthcare providers didn’t know to test or look for it, that it went undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. This of course does not explain the absolute atrocity that we are seeing play out in Italy, but I feel there are so many questions we need answers to. What I am wondering most is, when did it really start, how and is there a why?

Since I have already speculated on the when, I want to touch on the how and why together. I honestly am very curious about the validity of an animal, organically infecting a person, as the patient zero.  Could it happen? Well of course it is possible, especial in such conditions of the wet markets that we have seen pictures of in Wuhan. I do find it curious that China spread propaganda that US military brought it to them, sounds like a large deflection. I know it may seem like a leap, a huge leap, but could China have planted the virus themselves? Eve planted it in an animal and set this up?  Why on earth would they do something like that? Maybe to reduce their over-flowing population of old men, maybe just to reduce their population in general, maybe to reduce all of the world’s population, or maybe it was an experiment that got out of control.  I really do not know, but I can’t help but see so many coincidences that are just too convenient.

Sure, it could have just been the perfect storm, that brewed up a global nightmare, but I cannot help but be curious if there is so much more that we are missing. 

Please, let me know your thoughts. 

Me and My Shadow(s)

I always wonder what my friends think about who I am.  In my mind I think, that they think that I am fun, funny, outgoing, loyal, honest, kind, giving, and so many other great things. I also think and pretty much know, that they think I am neurotic, a hyper planner, a circle thinker, obsessive and maybe annoying at times. The last things, the “negative” things are reserved for those that are tight in my circle.  Everyone else just knows the fun, smart mouthed, sassy, ball of good times that I show them. Why does this matter?

On the inside, more often than I would like, I am a mess. I find myself full of worry, overthinking or hypersensitive to things that many times I have no control over. I can take things very personal and feel shut out or left out easily, changes of plans can throw me into a full-on worry episode and sometimes, just feeling like maybe I said the wrong thing, can start a vicious circle thinking obsession. Some of this I know is caused by having ultra-high standards of how people should behave if they are my friend because I expect others to treat me like I would treat them. That because I include everyone, that means they should too. That because I try to be tactfully, 100% honest, that they should too. That because I have a vision in my head of how something is going to work, clearly everyone else should know that, and do exactly what is expected to make that vision accurate.  I am a lot. I know that. I also know that I am worth all that crazy.

I am working on letting expectation go and appreciating my people for who they are. Yesterday, after a whole lot of back and forth, schedule aligning, organizing and patience, my ladies and I confirmed our girls weekend venue and I booked that bitch.  Awaken this morning to discover that one of the ladies will not be able to make part of it and I was ok with it. Why is this a big deal? Normally the change of plans would put me into a total freak out. I would start thinking all kinds of spastic thoughts, they would look like this:

“Should I cancel? How is this going to work now? Is everyone else still going to want to go? Is this going to be too much of a financial burden if its split differently now? Should I find someone else to go? Christ, I don’t know anyone else that could deal with us. Fuck! All this planning and everything is junk. Why do I even organize this shit? I am an idiot…Blah, Blah, Blabbity Blar…”

All these thoughts would circle through my head, making me crazy, even though I wouldn’t be mad at the person that “caused” the change. I just get flustered with the change itself, but…. NOT TODAY!  Today I just shrugged and said to myself that I would go either way, that it will be fine.  It felt so good! It felt so good to not let something small and innocent, trigger my brain into a mode of anxious overthinking. My anxiety is my life’s shadow and she walks hand in hand with my ADD, ready to jump into action and complicate my day, or especially my sleep. Not today though, not today!

Over the years I have learned how to harness my ADD and use it to excel in school and work and turn on the fire when I need to. I am still learning of course but I am much better adapted to the ADD, than I am the anxiety. I am working on it and today was proof, that the work is paying off! I will take the WIN!! I will also appreciate that my shadows are what “pushed” me to start a blog. I feel like there statistically has to be other people out there, going through similar journeys and I want them to know that they are not alone. I am here. We’ll get through it together! ❤

Thank you for reading this. Until next time.

-A

New Beginnings

Why at 35 years old, a full time student, employee, mother and wife, would I decide to start a blog?

It is time for a creative outlet, a mental health outlet, a fitness outlet and a place to just be me. So here I am, starting something new.

I know that my life’s purpose is somewhere between helping others and blazing trails, if not a bit of both. I can’t help but wonder if this strange, fairly random idea to start a blog is part of that purpose, a sign. I am a thinker, an over thinker, a crippling over thinker at times. I want to share my thoughts and experiences, and maybe it can help someone else. Get ready for a fun, interesting, maybe even annoying journey, that I guarantee will never be boring.

More to Come…