Me and My Shadow(s)

I always wonder what my friends think about who I am.  In my mind I think, that they think that I am fun, funny, outgoing, loyal, honest, kind, giving, and so many other great things. I also think and pretty much know, that they think I am neurotic, a hyper planner, a circle thinker, obsessive and maybe annoying at times. The last things, the “negative” things are reserved for those that are tight in my circle.  Everyone else just knows the fun, smart mouthed, sassy, ball of good times that I show them. Why does this matter?

On the inside, more often than I would like, I am a mess. I find myself full of worry, overthinking or hypersensitive to things that many times I have no control over. I can take things very personal and feel shut out or left out easily, changes of plans can throw me into a full-on worry episode and sometimes, just feeling like maybe I said the wrong thing, can start a vicious circle thinking obsession. Some of this I know is caused by having ultra-high standards of how people should behave if they are my friend because I expect others to treat me like I would treat them. That because I include everyone, that means they should too. That because I try to be tactfully, 100% honest, that they should too. That because I have a vision in my head of how something is going to work, clearly everyone else should know that, and do exactly what is expected to make that vision accurate.  I am a lot. I know that. I also know that I am worth all that crazy.

I am working on letting expectation go and appreciating my people for who they are. Yesterday, after a whole lot of back and forth, schedule aligning, organizing and patience, my ladies and I confirmed our girls weekend venue and I booked that bitch.  Awaken this morning to discover that one of the ladies will not be able to make part of it and I was ok with it. Why is this a big deal? Normally the change of plans would put me into a total freak out. I would start thinking all kinds of spastic thoughts, they would look like this:

“Should I cancel? How is this going to work now? Is everyone else still going to want to go? Is this going to be too much of a financial burden if its split differently now? Should I find someone else to go? Christ, I don’t know anyone else that could deal with us. Fuck! All this planning and everything is junk. Why do I even organize this shit? I am an idiot…Blah, Blah, Blabbity Blar…”

All these thoughts would circle through my head, making me crazy, even though I wouldn’t be mad at the person that “caused” the change. I just get flustered with the change itself, but…. NOT TODAY!  Today I just shrugged and said to myself that I would go either way, that it will be fine.  It felt so good! It felt so good to not let something small and innocent, trigger my brain into a mode of anxious overthinking. My anxiety is my life’s shadow and she walks hand in hand with my ADD, ready to jump into action and complicate my day, or especially my sleep. Not today though, not today!

Over the years I have learned how to harness my ADD and use it to excel in school and work and turn on the fire when I need to. I am still learning of course but I am much better adapted to the ADD, than I am the anxiety. I am working on it and today was proof, that the work is paying off! I will take the WIN!! I will also appreciate that my shadows are what “pushed” me to start a blog. I feel like there statistically has to be other people out there, going through similar journeys and I want them to know that they are not alone. I am here. We’ll get through it together! ❤

Thank you for reading this. Until next time.

-A

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